Dreams

Had a dream you'd finally accepted me in your life...woke up and realized it was just a dream...though the visual of you being my wife was real enough to make me feel sick when I came to my senses...or maybe all the liquor I drank before I fell asleep was affecting me...either way you were the topic of my delusion when I woke up...see they say a drunk man tells no lie...and dreams show us our inner most feelings...so I figure drunk dreams show the purity of mind and heart...no obscurities just YOU...dreaming of you in my life makes me feel elated...thinking of you being upset and out of my life makes my heart deflate...the dream showed me that you don't need me in your life, rather your the platter that keeps my being sustained...hopefully the latter never occurs and I'm left hearing the sounds of your faded laughter...my left chest pounds as I write this...hopefully my dreams come true and my feet can leave the ground once again...thoughts of an insatiable desire for you compare naught to the overwhelming pressure I felt coming back to my senses today...just hearing your voice would lay my heart to rest tonight...no compilation of complaints...just an air of ease to be pleased by your tones whether in person or over the phone...nah it wasn't the liquor that dwelled in my system that made me feel uneasy...it was the loss of you in my everyday that felled me...anyway I hope one day you can quell this dis-ease...

She walked outta my life

She walked outta my life like the rest of them...through the door that somehow became revolving over time because she walked back through it...told me she loved me and it was a mistake to leave...me bein me I didn't stake her...I love her...I welcomed her back with a weight less heart...see I'd emptied it of all attention, draw backs, desires and loathing...at first sight, her coming back filled it with a slight warmth...something like a spring jacket in the winter...though over time it turned into something that burned like it used too...something like a passion-ful night in front of warm fire...see I'm something of a harsh individual and as soon as she'd warmed up to me a bit...she slit her own wrists...figuratively of-course...see she beat herself up about bein worthy enough to stay in my life...now me bein me I consoled her...let her know I'd accepted her...though as harsh as I am it wasn't as soft as the marshes you drop in hot chocolate to make you mellow...it was honest and stern...still she discerned the sincerity through the clarity of my person...so why am I here again?...re-emptying my soul...leaving it to shimmer less bold...see she stole my life twice...I hadn't noticed it till I felt nice, like when I empty a bottle of Hennessy or Goose...though I'm not loose I feel like tyin a noose on these emotions of mine for good...hangin them up on the edge of a cliff...because the rift between she and I is like the difference between river and sky...see I've got some questions...why did you come back just to throw me away?...why say you love me to just end up duckin me?...how come you ask me to love you unconditionally just so you can conditionally hug me?...how come loving me causes you such pain and makes me feel like all I've gained are tears?...welled up through the fear I've gained that losing you could destroy me...so let me ask you...why love me?

Used To Be

I used to be in love with love....but love took off like a frightened dove....she used to make me feel real snug....but she left me feelin real untuck....see my dove shoved me aside for an unforseen love....had me feelin shook to get into the next nook....and cranny of a female so fine it's only right to describe her presence as devine....she just shines like the scenery on 42nd street....you don't wanna miss a beat....but I digress from the lameness suffered at the feet of stainless love....yet to say it was painless would be an untruth....see it'll leave me just as uncouth as the one that left me for her undelivered truth....see I used to be in love with a dove I called love because she made me feel snug....

Never Meant A Thing

I never meant a thing to any of you, yet you all said you love me...you all said you adore me though my prescence in your lives is as great as the nothingness that spewed from your mouths as you spoke those empty words...leaving me less inclined to want to posess a heart of my own...life is in the heart where love resides...dreams are in the mind where thoughts come alive...in my case love lives in my mind where dreams subside and my heart is where all my thoughts have gone to die...all the up and down emotions aren't my scene so I've removed myself from them...though today you say you love me tomorrow you may say nay...but it's okay I've sent all my emotions away so they can be slay and buried like a needle in hay never to be found...since I never meant a thing to you I don't feel you would mind if I resign my life away from you and decline to indulge in any of your future endeavours...I just feel it to be the most clever approach to this particular dilemma...I never meant a thing to you all so leave me to paint my life on these black walls where none but I could enjoy it's painful, beautiful and oddly fruitful joy...I'll see you all in the next life but I hope I don't...since I never meant a damn thing to you in the first place...

just what I feel

See I used to feel like you were all the sustenance I needed because I loved you…but the mustiness of your deceptive heart turned my stomach out to what your true intentions were…see the cruelty of it all was, you, yourself didn’t know what it was…but when the odor shattered that beautiful gimmick of a sent you had going on and began to mimic what your heart had in store, you panicked and walked out the back door…trying to avoid conflict, you manipulated your words and actions to deceive me not knowing I’d already smelled the bullshit, but loved you none the less…see loving you filled me up and made me happier than any food or dessert could…it in itself was my sustenance and aphrodisiac…it was natural and I smothered myself in it…you were it and I couldn’t get the feeling off of my membrane, the thought off of my cerebrum or the warmth out of the once cold instrument that beat ice on under my left chest…because the jest of emotional attachments were so far gone I’d never longed for anything more than that of an emotional attachment…see I don’t love many people, but to feel it for someone who would easily walk out of my life without even checking to see if the door was locked was entirely my fault…see I’ve come to the realization that the only sustenance I need is me, everyone else is just grass that needs to be cut whenever they grow too close to what may be true love or physical lust…see you were what I intend to be for myself in order to maintain and sustain the mentality of one who needs no one anymore…people are only useful for physical stimulation in this simulation we go through called life…see the agony and depression we go through at the cost of losing a loved one is the worst kind of stipulation there is in this simulation where selfishness is up the stocks and love/selflessness is in a recession…so I prefer the emulation of an iceberg applied to my mental and emotional whereas my physical is just as esteemed as a brand new car, driven carefully and handled well…

Despair

feeling despair in the confines of my own mind...but I dont dare to cross the lines of happiness and for some reason I dont care...my body cant handle that kind of wear and tear so I just sit and stare....it feels weird to fear happiness...though laughin wouldnt be bad I cant force it...and it feels funny when its not honestly coerced...the irony is sickening isnt it??...my whole life is diminished to cerebral functions without motor action and its sickening...soundless sounds pound into my head and its deafening...soft touches tickle me but I feel nothing...I'm happily confined to the desparity in my own mind...the irony is sickening isnt it??

I Liked Her

I told her I liked her and she was real cool...she said the same and that we meshed, I agreed cause it was crazy how true it felt..but I digress...she transgressed and left me depressed for the same reasons she claims we meshed....its funny to me now but back then I'd coerced myself into embellished thoughts....eventually fruitful but not beautiful, they were meant, not dreamt and permanet like the seams of a perfect dress...she wore my emotions in a seemliness only she could fit...my tongue I wish I bit, for the blame for this pain was none but mine for I dine...

Anger

anger is my sanity
anger is my clarity
anger is my guiding light
anger is my hearts inner sight
anger is my nights greatest asset
anger always helps me pass lifes test
I fucks with anger cause its always dependable and never blind to the hind side of things
I fucks with anger cause in this shit hole motherfuckers call life
anger keeps me on point so I dont end up livin the life of the rich and confined or the poor and free
I fucks with anger because it isnt inconclusive but rather decisive
Its me at my best